Sunday, July 18, 2010

The Top 10 Un-Coolest NBA Players

J and L are proud to present the NBA's Top 10 Un-coolest Players. By "Un-Cool" we are not saying the players we hate the most, although that certainly factors in to our decision. One of our most important criteria for our list is that the player would NEVER be mentioned by a Hip-Hop artist in their song, but lack of talent, appearance, body type, etcetera also heavily influence our choices. From an NBA Finals MVP, to a man protesting showers, and to an entire team roster, we list the players who, outside of their die hard fan base, would not sell a single jersey. Feel free to comment on our list and make your own. Enjoy.

                                              Number 10: Tim Duncan
Arguably one of the best big men to ever set foot on an NBA court. Unfortunately for him, no one outside of San Antonio finds him appealing. With a nickname like the "Big Fundamental," he has lulled NBA fans to sleep for his entire career. He patented move? How about a turn around 12 footer off the glass? Now that is sexy. His defense is ferocious, check out this passive attempt to keep the LeBron Locomotive from an easy 2 points; (please check the link to the right to see this facial). If Tim Duncan is your favorite NBA player in all liklihood you probably enjoy plain yogurt, own no less than 6 "Now," CD,'s and have a vertical leap under 9 inches. Duncan is a great player, but tremendously boring, and thus he makes number 10 on our list.

Mr. Duncan tries the "pencil," technique to alter LeBron's shot. He failed.
              

                                                 Number 9: Pau Gasol






While the Lakers versatile big man makes the short list of the NBA's top power forwards, he also makes our list of the Un-Coolest athletes. He and Kobe may make a great tandem on the court, but could you ever imagine seeing them together outside of a basketball related event?  A determining factor for Pau's appearance on this list has to be his hygiene; how smelly do you think this guy is after a game?...he looks like a hosed down shaggy dog. He has got to be either very high or very low on Old Spice's selection for a spokesperson. While his passing and jumpshots are crisp and attractive, his blotchy skin and movement reminiscent of the putties from the "Power Rangers" are far from that. Yet Pau's talent remains unquestioned, so his skills and his roar that eerily reflects one of a velociraptor save him from dropping lower on this list.

                                              Number 8: Paul Pierce
               


He can flat out play, otherwise he'd be higher on our list. That's where our compliments stop. The word "flop," is automatically associated with Paul Pierce, whether one is referring to his defensive tactics or his breasts. The mouthy Bostonian shooter seems to take pride in having the worst muscle definition of all NBA swing men. Pierce credits his facial hair choice to Dave Chappelle's epic character of Clayton Bigsby. He has toed the line of arrogance on several occasions. While running a camp in Madrid the following self indulgent quote was collected; "Q: Is Kobe really the best player in the world? Pierce: 'I don't think Kobe is the best player. I'm the best player. There's a line that separates having confidence and being conceited. I don't cross that line but I have a lot of confidence in myself.'" He has called himself the best three point shooter in the league, and shouted "We aint comin' back to LA," after a a Game 2 win against the Lakers in the 2010 NBA Finals. Unfortunatley for Paul, they did come back LA, where Pierce and the Celtics blew a 13 point second-half lead in Game 7 to lose the Finals. (Check link on right for one of Pierce's shining moments)

Stripped, Slipped, and Slammed on by the ugliest dude in the league.



                                         Number 7: Sheldon Williams
If we had an NBA's "Smallest Ears," list, he would undoubtedly be number 1. Since we don't, we figure he settles in nicely in the Un-Cool Ranks. He was vital in the Celtics' 2010 playoff run by contributing a whopping 1.6 points per game. Whatever momentum Williams gains in his NBA, it will be canceled out by the fact that his wife, (Candace Parker), can out ball him. Is it good that an NBA player's wife has more dunk highlights than her husband? We were obligated by the NBA’s Department of Swag to place at least one former Dukie on the list. Either way, Parker and Williams will probably deliver a basketball phenom. Let’s just hope it won’t have Sheldon’s ears. (Check link on left for "highlight," of Sheldon Williams.)

His wife would have at least taken a charge..




                                              Number 6: Cole Aldrich
Let us go ahead and tip our caps to Cole, for he has not played a minute in an NBA game yet he still makes our list. How has he already established a strong enough Un-Cool aura to already be here?...by being a big goofy white guy that also happens to be missing his front tooth. I mean, come on, he was goofy enough already and then he had to go and lose a tooth? Aldrich is a lock to take up the lofty mantle of such NBA stars as Greg Ostertag, Rik Smits, and Arvydas Sabonis, but we think he may end up surpassing all of his predecessors in terms of their goofiness. What aggravates us about Aldrich is that he is on a young, fun to watch team that is quickly becoming everyone’s darling in the Oklahoma City Thunder. We think it would be better if he were marooned on the Pacers where he could be placed in white guy purgatory alongside Tyler Hansbrough, Troy Murphy, Josh McRoberts, and Mike Dunleavy. But while it may be painful to watch him on the basketball court, it would be even more painful to watch him eat corn on the cob.


                                          Number 5: Aaron Gray
The former Pitt big man is one of the few 7 footers in the NBA who lack practical applicability. In the 09-10 season Gray spent time in Chicago and New Orleans where he played the role as an ultimate intimidator averaging 0.3 blocks per game. If he weren't an NBA player, he would undoubtedly be a librarian. When running the floor, Mr. Gray looks like he’s on stilts (either that, or he’s missing several knee ligaments) as he hustles just enough to be on the wrong end of a three point play. One positive for any coach that may have Gray, is that every night he will be allotted 6 fouls. After scouring the internet for Aaron Gray info, we found that he owns one of the best nicknames in the league; the “White Panther”. Surely it was dubbed facetiously, either way, we thought the “White House Cat,” was more appropriate.

A Pair of the White House Cat's Highlights:




                                         Number 4: The Utah Jazz
Yeah yeah, we know the list says Un-Coolest Players but this is our blog so we can break the rules. If we had to pick just one member of the Jazz it would undoubtedly be Andrei Kirilenko, with his spiked hair and bitter bulldog face and 6’10” 210 pound frame. Yet we figured it would be advantageous to go ahead and blast the whole Jazz franchise. First off, Utah Jazz? The name should have been changed when the franchise moved from New Orleans, and the matter becomes more pressing when the team nickname has connotations of smooth and cool, a stark contrast to the players on the team. In our short lifetime, the Jazz have never been cool; we grew up in the Jordan Era, and of course everyone loved the Bulls back then, so some of our earliest NBA memories were Jordan against The Mailman and his hipster shorts wearing sidekick. But take a look at their current roster and it is filled with goofy Europeans: Kirilenko, Mehmet Okur, Kosta Koufus, and Kyrylo Fesenko, with Kirilenko and Fesenko combining to make a 14 foot tandem of former Soviets. The talent of Deron Williams and the loss of Ashton Kutcher…I mean Kyle Korver… saved them from going down a spot or two, but they remain firmly entrenched in the middle of our list.


                                            Number 3: Anderson Varejao
                             

                    

Being and athlete from Brazil, one would think that Mr. Varejao's first love was futbol. Well since it seems he lacks dexterity, finesse, and raw athletic ability, it is easy to see why he chose basketball. He actually has found a decent role within the Cav's organization, decent enough to for the Cavs to throw a ridiculous amount of money towards him. A bad investment? In all likelihood. Consider the fact the Cavs offered him as the main piece in a potential sign and trade for Chris Bosh, and the Raptors acted as if the Cavs were sending the E-Bola virus. A positive for Varejao, anytime WWE's "Carlito," needs a stunt-double for a steel chair shot to the face, he should be a believable replacement. One thing Varejao will always be remembered for is being on the wrong end on one of the nastiest posterizations in league history. There was no way this footage was not going to be on our site:




                                            Number 2: Delonte West


If he were actually good, he would be the player we would hate most in the NBA, so he will just have to settle for top three on our Un-Cool List. His appearance alone is enough to merit him a place on this list, he looks like he could star in “Leprechaun: Back 2 tha Hood” (frequently airing on BET, so check it out) or perhaps he is the enigmatic Leprechaun in Alabama (although I’m not sure he matches the amateur sketch). Although he was found with several guns hidden in a guitar case, possibly earning him a potential spot in a rap song, one glance at his appearance dashes any hopes of that. Delonte must be awfully confused about his identity: a black man with red hair and leprechaunish features yet he slings guns like Antonio Banderas in El Mariachi.

Delonte may also be known as the man that drove James out of Cleveland. A bold statement? No, for besides being a goofy looking mediocre player alongside James, rumors are circling that West was having an affair with James’ mother, who ultimately found out during the playoff series against the Celtics. ESPN (so I’ve heard) remains reluctant to report this, and J and L willingly reveal this bit of NBA truth. So the lesson learned from this story: do not have sex with the golden boy of the franchise’s mom especially when he is a pending free agent!


                                      Number 1a: Tyler Hansborough
                                

He was a buzzer beating addition to our list. Originally left off, (mainly because we didn’t even want to acknowledge that he was in the league) we decided there was no way we could make an Un-Cool List without placing this guy on here. Where to begin? Well watching him play is a horrendous site. No one has ever made the game of basketball look harder. His moves in the paint look more like seizures than skills. In the years of basketball we have watched, there has not been a more awkward player in the NBA. We still cannot grasp the laws of physics he bends to get the ball in the hoop. He looks like a 10 year old kid who’s trying to use creativity instead of skill to win a game of HORSE. It’s just ugly. Needless to say, Tyler Hansborough has only strengthened  the “white-boy,” basketball stereotype. He was born Nov 3, 1985, and has only used one facial expression during his time on Earth. Gawking eyes, gaping mouth. No “Blue Steel,” that’s all he has in his arsenal. He may be a bright kid, but he looks unbelievably stupid. He’s only had a handful of interviews thankfully, most reporters would rather question a water cooler. By the graces of the Basketball Gods, he landed in a small market so we will never hear about him. He does hold one record however, Tyler is the only player in NBA history to have been recorded to blink less than 5 times in a regular season game. At least he plays “Texas-Style Ping-Pong,” and we all know how cool that is…

This celebration negates any progress made towards the "white," steroetype, thanks Tyler:



                                     Number 1: Brian Scalabrine
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Unlike Mr. Hansbrough, Scalabrine has been planned all along to take the cake in this most glorious competition. First off, how perfect is it he is on the Celtics? With his bulging beer belly and red hair, he looks like he could serve as either the mascot (although I think Delonte West would be better off for that), or a perfect replica of the stereotypical Celtics fan. Despite topping off this list, there are several people who can’t help but to be jealous of this fat redhead; he has signed a $15 million contract, won a championship ring, yet he played one more minute in the 2010 NBA playoffs than we did. But all signs point to Scal being a really fun guy, evident in the video below in which he jokes about his insignificant contribution to the Celtics’ championship run. However, we have condemning evidence for why Scal headlines in this list in the other video below, in which he goes 0 for 2 in attempted high-fives with his teammates. We also presume that shower time in the Celltics locker room is a very awkward and uncomfortable moment for Scal. Furthermore, Scal’s use of a headband looks about as appropriate as a Muslim woman wearing Lady Gaga’s bedazzled lingerie in public. Yet antics like these have probably led to the almost cult following Scalabrine has developed. Sadly, Luke Harangody has been dubbed as Scal’s replacement upon the Celtics bench, but nobody can take away his position as number one on J and L’s top 10 Un-Cool List.









Kiss the ring, Lebron. Scal has won just as many championships as the “Scheme Team” in Miami combined

4 comments:

  1. haha good read. Joakim noah should have at least gotten an honorary mention, maybe on the list instead of delonte

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  2. This was an amazing read. Honorary mentions to Manu Ginobli: balding, flopping mf'ker who makes the most ridiculous faces when whistled for the most obvious foul, Shawn Marion: most retarded jump shot you will ever see, more so than Joakim Noah's 2 handed passes to the rim, Joakim Noah: terrible form on his jumper and the way his name is pronounced; Joe-Kim, instead of the way Phoenix & Benoit's, Rudy Gay: lol gay.

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  3. how about Sean Williams....hes got tha t"Who Dat" look on him....

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